The Meaning of Rosebud

Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother. Once I told someone I had the same dress.

“…When I was five, my grandfather had bought me a picture book collection of fairy tales. It’d included, among others, my favorite princess stories: Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Beauty and the Beast.

I’d fallen in love with the illustrations. The princesses were lovely and wore brightly colored baroque gowns with deep necklines, narrow waistline and cascades of brocade and silk supported by wide hoops. In my young imagination, the princes, with their pageboy haircuts, sweet faces and flamboyant clothes, represented the epitome of male beauty. I think I had my first crush on one of them.

Cinderella in her beautiful gown and her prince with the pageboy haircut.

Most vividly I remembered the fairy godmother from Cinderella. Unlike her plump, grandmotherly Disney counterpart wrapped in a shapeless cloak, that particular fairy godmother was a young woman in a beautiful bluish-white organdy gown. She looked more like Cinderella’s best friend than her fairy godmother.

That was the image that immediately popped up in my mind when Morgaine, the Ellida of Gelltydd Coch clan, stepped into the hallway…”

BFFs – The beautiful Fairy Godmother and her protege.

The true story that inspired this episode from my book goes like this: when I was five, my aunt bought me a collection of sixteen fairy tales. Beauty and the Beast, my favorite, wasn’t among them. I was already familiar with the stories, but the illustrations… Oh! My five-year-old mind was absolutely fascinated, my imagination on fire. Thanks to them, I began to dream, to create my own world and live happily in it. I’ve never stopped.

In my own version, the dwarfs left the forest with SW and her prince and lived in the palace. They also deserved their HEA, didn’t they?

Those picture books, of course, weren’t my first experience with children’s literature, but their influence was profound. I would entertain myself for hours by continuing those stories, adding new characters and twists, imagining the palaces and gardens. Risen by loving grandparents, but deprived of the company of peers, I wasn’t lonely anymore. All of a sudden, I could have everything I was lacking – parents, siblings, other children… I only needed to close my eyes.

Later, I’d learn how to do that with my eyes open.

Just awoken, Sleeping Beauty is riding to her new home. The SB illustrations resemble the simple elegance of medieval tapestries compared to the baroque splendor of Cinderella.

I soon became a passionate reader and much, much later a writer — those fairy tales had planted the seeds. When I turned seven and left my grandparents, the books stayed there. I had to hand them over to the future generations – my younger sister, who’d just replaced me at my grandparents’ home, and even younger cousins. All I could take with me were those stories and pictures stored in my memory, and a hope that my successors wouldn’t ruin my books–still in pristine condition–in my absence.

And then, one summer, when I returned, they weren’t there anymore.

Not until the Internet age was I able to track them down. It still took me forever, but a few years ago, I bought twelve from an online seller, among them Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. I’m still searching for the four that I’m missing.

The cover of SB.

Sometimes–not often–I take them from the shelf and I look at them — my ‘rosebud’, the symbol of childhood innocence and true happiness. Right, Mr. Welles?

About the illustrator: The collection is illustrated by F. Nerri, an Italian watercolor painter. I couldn’t find much about him on the Internet. All the covers for this collection were made in the same elaborate, vibrant manner that evokes the grandeur of the of times of Charles Perrault (1628-1703), who re-told those fairy tales. Inside, however, Nerri used many styles and techniques to match the stories (Aladdin, for example, is very different from Sleeping Beauty, or Alice in Wonderland from The Little Mermaid). It seems to me that he tried to suggest the geographical origins as well as the epoque when some stories appeared or were for the first time recorded, situating, through his illustrations, for example, Sleeping Beauty in the late medieval/early renaissance age, but Cinderella in some later times.

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The Autumn That Didn’t Happen

Unbelievable! My last post was from July (and it wasn’t mine, strictly speaking). Where did August and September go?

It’s already winter. Fall is always short here, everyone knows that, but it’s never happened that it missed us completely.

Photo by Simon Matzinger on Unsplash

A quick update: as of this week, my novella is not free anymore on Voracious Readers Only. I had more than 400 requests for downloads. I got quite a few great reviews (as well as a couple of awful ones). The best thing of all was that some readers contacted me, asking if I had anything else written. I offered them my two novels to read. They genuinely liked them and promised to write reviews once I publish them.

Once I publish them…

The first novel, still without a title, is with my editor now. Besides the title, which should be pretty/poetic, imply the genre (urban fantasy/supernatural romance), and contain the right keyword(s) (Moon, moonlight, shadow, blood, wolf), I have to come up with a blurb, a tagline, and ideas for the cover. And then everything again, for the second book. I’m not looking forward to this part at all. (At least I’m done with changing the names. About that, next time.)

And I miss writing. I’ve been tangled up with this re-writing, editing and futile marketing efforts for way too long. I yearn to open a new Word document and type in that first sentence of a new story.

But before that, as I said, there is still that mountain that I have to cross: the blurbs, the taglines, the covers, possibly a new pen name…

… and the titles. I gave titles to thousands of magazine and newspaper articles, yet I’m helpless when it comes to my own books.

I came up with some ideas, though.

A Song of Light and Shadow (too much George R. R. Martinish?)

A Dance of Light and Shadow (same as above)

The Pull of the Moon (too flat?) The Lure of the Moon(?)

Moon Light, Moon Bright (too kitschy?)

The Forever Side of the Moon (I like this one)

The Edge of the Moon

I’ll give you my heart under the light of the Moon (I kinda like this one, too, but I’m not sure it fits the genre). And it’s a bit too long.

Written in Crimson and Silver

Both books belong to the Red Cliffs Chronicles series.

So what do you think about these titles? I’ll be grateful for any input.

And thanks in advance.



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A Curator of Dreams

I am not a big poetry person, but I do like some poets and poetesses. One of them is Dieu Dinh, who I would like to introduce in this post. Dieu writes poetry about the little things she observes in life. From a lonely winter day in the park, to the small gestures of love, Dieu expresses those quiet moments of life that are both subtle and potent. Sometimes she takes pictures, sometimes she writes, and sometimes she makes art, all of which are a curation of her thoughts and dreams. “After Bei Dao” is one of her poems that I like very much.

Image courtesy of Unsplash


After Bei Dao


Between me and the world
you are an echo, a cathedral,
a silence between two breaths,
a murmur, a photograph,
a hidden word at the center of my dream.

Between me and the world
you are an eclipse, a blade,
a tree I would like to climb,
a halo, a mosaic,
a childhood toy lost then found.

Between me and the world
you are a soliloquy, a blanket,
a deep well among the sands,
a bell, a lighthouse,
a map leading me home.

Between me and the world,
you are a lullaby, a flickering flame,
a smile masked by night,
a prism, an etching,
a book of secrets never read.

Between me and the world,
you are a carousel, an arabesque,
a hesitation before the leap,
a cliff, a constellation,
a sky revealing everything.

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Smashwords’s Summer/Winter Sale Specials July 1-31

Once Upon a Night is among hundreds of other books that are FREE to download during

Smashwords’s Summer/Winter Sale Specials July 1-31

The Smashowrds membership is also free.

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Story of O, dark and beautiful

Story of O was so beautifully written that this alone should’ve been enough to give it literary credibility.

I recently read the 1954 infamous, mysterious and controversial short novel by French author Pauline Réage.

When it was published, the book caused a considerable upheaval. Nobody knew who wrote it. Nobody knew what to say and how to approach it, so they did the worst thing—they labeled it wrongly as pornography. The theme was sexual submission, a highly improper issue in the times of post-WWII propriety, and unbending moral values.

It was easy not to see the forest for the trees.

Why the pornography tag persisted for decades is beyond comprehension. Story of O was so beautifully written that this alone should’ve been enough to give it literary credibility.

The movie from the 1970’s based on the book, which I did watch, fascinated me on a superficial level, although I didn’t find any true value in it.  I don’t know enough about the art of film to prove it. But thanks to it, I neglected to read the book. It is pornography, after all, isn’t it?

It’s not. It’s a masterpiece.

Even to say that Story of O is an erotic novel, let alone pornographic, would be wrong. Story of O is many things but foremost an allegory, a probe into the subject of human submissiveness and dominance on the absolute level, not just sexual. S/D is one of the basic human relationships, after all. Most of us are submissive to some (your boss, your military superior, your parents, partners…) and dominant over some others (the people we supervise at work, our children, our partners). Most of these S/D relationships are considered normal. They are sanctioned by law, customs, habits, regulations. They’re deeply rooted in our psychology.  This is the way we function—socially, emotionally, biologically.

What is submission? Dominance in disguise?

Pauline Réage throws us a challenge by taking this natural order of things to an extreme level and presenting us with (some of) the possible consequences.

How far are we ready to go? Where is the line? Can human isolation and loneliness be so profound that some of us can’t find ourselves within us but only within another human being? Where we stop being us and become someone else? (Can I live if living is without you?) How far would the other person go to dominate us, and what kind of need does he/she have to fulfill through dominance?

What is submission then? Dominance in disguise? And vice versa.

It opens many other questions–of freedom, freedom of choice, absence of love, perception of love, alienation… name it.

Story of O had two endings, cleverly interwoven in the last paragraph/epilogue. Pauline Réage leaves it to us to chose how to conclude her story in our imagination.

But which ending did she chose? For some reason, it was important to me to know. (Once someone asked Margaret Mitchell what happened to Scarlet O’Hara after Reth Butler had left. She became a better woman, Mitchell said, but she never had him back. I always find this interesting.)

Story of O will always make me feel uneasy. Like every great book should.

I didn’t get it right away. So indefinitely sad was I for days that I couldn’t see it. I felt the same heartbreaking sorrow as after reading some other ‘small books’: Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx, or Anna, Sorror by Margaret Yourcenar, or Embers by Sandor Marai. Masterpieces often come in small packages indeed. I actually really like Story of O in the above mentioned company of powerful small books. It is its right place.

Then, only days after I read Story of O, I stumbled upon (and isn’t that fascinating!) another small literary gem, Anne Rice’s The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. Anne Rice, whose story is based on Story of O, understood Pauline Réage’s novel so well that she was able to give us the definitive answer to that question with her own ending. And yes, we chose the same one, Pauline Réage, Anne Rice and I. It helped my sadness to disappear, although Story of O (as well as The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty) will always make me feel uneasy. Like every great book should.

Decades after being published, Story of O continues to inspire writers, albeit with various success. The wildly popular Fifty Shades saga was also inspired by it, but it’s like a glass imitation of a genuine diamond. Or, if you like, a McDonald’s Happy Meal in comparison to the finest foie gras on a toasted French baguette, to stay close to the geographical origins of the novel.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that one of my favourite pop fiction authors, Sylvia Day, wrote an introduction to one of the latest editions of Story of O. Her insight is interesting—yet another facet of this phenomenally complex novel.

About the terrific Sylvia Day perhaps some other time. I’ll be back to the topic of erotica as well. There are four erotic novels that I’ve been madly in love with for years…



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What do readers say?

Photo by Anete Lūsiņa on Unsplash

If you wondered if I’d abandoned my website–I haven’t. I have a valid excuse for my absence. I had a complicated eye surgery, couldn’t read or use the computer for several weeks. That sucked, more than my bloodshot eye.

In the meantime, Once Upon a Night flew the nest. Back in April, I offered it for free through Voracious Readers Only. Since then, I’ve received more than 200 requests for downloads.

It’s been the first time I’ve exposed any of my books to the general public. A strange, uncomfortable feeling, not unlike, for example, my private nightmare called public speaking.

It took some time for my book to gain momentum. Now I have many ratings and quite a few reviews, mostly on Goodreads, but some on Amazon as well. The overall response has been great. The most common complaint is that the stories are too short. Which I regard as a compliment anyway.

It wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea, naturally. One reader really really didn’t like that the main male character of the first story was officially still married. (When we meet him, he is legally separated). She had other complaints as well (to make it plain, she trashed it). But that’s fine. I think that the sentence:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

is the most idiotic one ever written. Many would disagree, though.

The same reviewer, however, honoured me with one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever gotten.  She said she’d been able to get through the book because I had a beautiful writing style. I asked myself how many times I’ve read something I didn’t like just because someone had an exquisite style. Zero times. Zilch.

My. Beautiful. Writing. Style.


It’s fascinating how some readers like the same things that others don’t. One review was the mirror image of the above mentioned–she liked the book, but thought my writing needed polishing. One gave me a good review accompanied by two (or three?) stars. Some found the plot standard, for others it was intriguing. Some liked the structure, some didn’t; some found the two-sentence epilogues written as postscripts awkward, others loved them…

Some found in Once Upon A Night what I’d hoped my readers would. Some found entirely different angles to perceive it, surprising even me.

I’m still very nervous when I get a message that there is a new review. Goodreads is like dating sites–most are there to find a partner (the next read), but some have other intentions. So far, I’ve been lucky.

At the end of the day, what counts is that my book found its readers. I’ve gotten the privilege of sharing my word–and my words–with others.

What a feeling.

As for music for this time, how about Black Horse and a Cherry Tree?

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Indecent Proposal

I know almost nothing about how search engines work, except that almost everything is based on Algorithms (the word invokes so much awe in me that I spontaneously started writing it with a capital A), which I can’t make work for me no matter what I do.

Photo by Autumn Studio on Unsplash

It doesn’t surprise me, because, as I said, I have no clue what all this is about. I’m firing random shots, hoping to hit the targets. Or at least the right ones–authors, readers, writers, people with similar affiliations to mine– for I have no lack of wrong hits. Which does surprise me.

Travel sites, cosmetic sites, kitchen utensil sites, mental health sites… and the cherry on top, a bunch of porn sites have no problems finding my site. After that, it works like this: they all like a post or two and start following my blog, only to forget about me the moment when I, out of courtesy, return their ‘like’ and start following them. At first, I thought — why not. I like to travel. I understand the importance of mental health. I cook. On the other hand, travelers, cosmetic product users, people who have a thing for kitchen utensils–they all read, don’t they? Depressed, lonely and neglected souls too.

Perhaps, our reader base overlaps.

(I didn’t return the courtesy of liking/following those porn blogs; our worlds don’t overlap that much. I don’t pretend knowing anything about the reading habits of porn site users, but I doubt they’d flock to Amazon to buy my books. I’ll return to that porn incident later.)

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Anyhow, after that initial ‘like’ and following, most of them never ‘liked’ my post again. In return, I get notifications every time they post something.

So my question to Algorithm is: How come the sites about books and writing can’t find me, but those unrelated to my ‘business’ can?

This being said, there is one nice–and relevant–website that’s been following The Red Cliffs Chronicles since August 2017. The author is a writer and photographer. I like her blogs, but her photographs, mostly black-and-white, are awesome. But along with two other authors, who are both my friends, no one else seems to be interested in my blogs, except when they need my ‘like’, or one more nominal follower. Why do they need it? Does having more visitors turns into more advertisers, and more clicks into profit?

Something similar and equally absurd happens with Facebook advertising. It’s inexpensive, so I thought why not try. Some of my paid posts reached over 3000-3500 people (these are huge numbers for me), all over the world. Some not even a few hundred. I tried different demographic combinations. The numbers varied, yet I still couldn’t figure out why.

What didn’t vary was the outcome. The number of reached FB users doesn’t turn into website clicks, Facebook likes, Amazon clicks and purchases.

Back to that porn site. One fine morning, I woke up to the rapid, multiple ‘pings’ announcing incoming e-mails. Ya-hoo! I peeked on my screen and saw no less than eight different sites liked… Alas. Not my blogs posts, but my replies to the comments. The all had generic icons and names staring with triple x.

I’m not against porn sites as long as whatever happens there includes consensual adults and consensual adults only, but how the hell did they find me, and why did they think it would benefit their ‘business’?

Worst of all, I couldn’t make those ‘likes’ disappear–remember, they liked my reply–unless I deleted them.

Now my web site looks even more unloved and lonely. Perhaps I should make it look like I’m in the business of selling kitchen utensils. Perhaps it would trick the Algorithm into connecting me with the writing/reading related sites. Perhaps…



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